


Wilson the scientist is on a trolley

by mariachiMushroom, mathjeff



Category: Don't Starve (Video Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-18 21:24:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 8,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16524932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariachiMushroom/pseuds/mariachiMushroom, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathjeff/pseuds/mathjeff
Summary: Wilson the scientist is on a trolley, and his journey is fraught with problems.





	1. Chapter 1

 

perpetually traveling counterclockwise at breakneck speed along the circular track. He can see many other trolley tracks in the distance, a good deal of which have various terrified people strapped to the ground in their vicinities. He can also see a single switch connected to his circular track, which will switch his path to a long, straight track that has a long, clear view of the other trolleys, but which ends abruptly at a sheer rock face, which Wilson notes as desperately in need of a tunnel.

 

Wilson also has a walking stick with which to actuate the lever for his own trolley.

 

Does Wilson avoid his lever, continuing in mundaneness for eternity? Or does he actuate his lever, opting for a limited existence full of unspeakable wonders?

 


	2. Chapter 2

Wilson peers down the track and observes terrible excitement happening all along his road. Our Wilson, who shall be called Wilson Prime, reaches down with his walking stick and flips his own switch, beginning his own parallel journey.

As Wilson Prime looks out his window, he sees a trolley track with a single fork, along with the switch controlling it and the two paths beyond. On the right lies Willow, tied to the tracks without her lighter, and on the left lies Maxwell, with not a shadow puppet in sight. Wilson Alpha One runs to save them but only arrives with moments to act before the trolley comes barrelling past the fork and crushes one of them.

The switch is currently configured to send the trolley along the rightmost path, overtop of Willow. Willow says to Wilson Alpha One, "Wilson, I don't want to die!" Maxwell says "Haha, flip the switch. I dare you. You won't!" Wilson Alpha approaches the switch and makes his decision. The body makes a crumpling sound as the trolley tramples it.

"What a monster" whispers Wilson Prime. He turns his head to look back at the actors quickly shrinking from view and until he can see them no more. He turns his head forward and sees another trolley.

The next trolley has been set up in nearly the same unfortunate manner. Wilson, out of breath, stands at the switch controlling a single fork. One of the branches has Willow tied to it, asking for mercy. The other fork has two Maxwell's tied to it, both goading Wilson Alpha Two to flip the switch. Wilson Alpha Two walks to his switch and makes his decision.

Wilson Prime watches the trolley barrel along the track, and travel through the fork. He averts his eyes before anyone is trampled; he doesn’t want to see that.

The next trolley has been set up in an even more peculiar situation. Maxwell lies on the left fork, but nobody lies across from him. Wilson Alpha Three reaches the switch with moments to spare. Wilson Alpha Three sees that the switch is positioned such that the trolley will take the right fork, leaving everyone unharmed. Meanwhile, Maxwell cries "Enough of this wretched existence. Flip the lever, Wilson! It'll be the most meaningful thing you'll have ever done!" Wilson Alpha Three stands in front of the lever, almost as perplexed as Wilson Prime is. Wilson Alpha Three puts his hands on the lever and ensures it is flipped to what he believes is the correct side, as the trolley whizzes by.

“Is there something wrong with Maxwell?” wonders Wilson Prime. “That was so strange.”

The next trolley has been set up in still a more bizarre situation. Again there are two tracks, and again one track is empty. On the other track contains two individuals tied to the same track. First is Willow, still asking to live. Second is Maxwell, daring Wilson to flip the switch and crush them both. Wilson Alpha Four walks to the switch, looks at its setting, looks at Willow and Maxwell, and furrows his brow. He presses the switch to ensure it is in the correct position, and he checks and double checks to ensure its correctness. The trolley whizzes by as Wilson Alpha looks on from his own trolley. "I liked that one, I think. But how did that happen?" wonders Wilson Alpha.


	3. Chapter 3

Wilson gave some thought as to which track he'd set the trolleys on. He obviously preferred Willow's existence to Maxwell's, so in Wilson Alpha One's place, he'd pull the lever to kill Maxwell. In the second case, he'd still kill the two Maxwells, although he'd feel a little bad about using his own preferences to judge the lives of others. But was there a number N of Maxwells that he wouldn't kill to save a single Willow?

 

The thought occurred to Wilson that if all these Willows and Maxwells were identical and had identical experiences, he only had to make sure that one Willow and one Maxwell survived such that no information was lost. So how many Maxwells and how many Willows existed throughout the universe? Which one was at greater risk of extinction?

 

Wilson hears the sound of more panicked cries and rushes to the window. Outside, is a perplexed Wilson Beta One with his hand on a trolley lever. One of the paths has Wendy tied to it, and the other has Wickerbottom. "I suppose it is my time to go," says Wendy. "Nonsense," replies Wickerbottom, "you have so many years ahead of you!" The trolley rushes by before Wilson Prime can see what Wilson Beta One chose.

 

The next problem features Wendy and a basket of food on one fork and Wickerbottom, Wigfrid, and Wolfgang on the other. Wolfgang is in his smallest form, and Wilson can only assume the others are similarly starving. If the trolley is sent to Wendy's side, it will knock over the food into the range of the other three. The trolley rushes by.

 

"Gee, that food looks pretty good," thought Wilson. There weren't any dining carts on the Trolley. "This Trolley sure is taking a long time to crash. I wonder if I'll die of starvation before it hits?"


	4. Chapter 4

Wilson Prime looks around for some food, but doesn't see anything within snagging distance. Actually, he doesn't see much food at all. The only recognizable food within his sight is a collection of berry bushes being ravaged by the Bearger, along with perhaps the Bearger itself, not that anyone in the vicinity is in much position to fight it. Consequently, the most feasible method of acquiring nourishment (other than the aforementioned measly basket)  would have to be to undertake a long, arduous search for food elsewhere.

  
  


"Wait a minute. How are Wickerbottom, Wigfrid, and Wolfgang going to find any more food? All of the trolleys around here are mad, driving of their own volition and stopping not to collect any passenger. Does that mean that Wickerbottom, Wigfrid, and Wolfgang are doomed to a slow, agonizing starvation, even even after surviving their trolley?" Wilson Prime ponders. They each eat a single meatball, looking despondent. "Only Wendy and Wilson Beta Two seem fit to make such a journey on foot." The wheels in Wilson's mind are turning.

 

“I suppose that had Wilson Beta Two had my higher vantage point atop my trolley, then maybe Wendy would have been saved. I should have called out in a short and clear manner. I should have called out a message such as 'Don't starve together!'." A wave of guilt washes over Wilson Prime.

 

No sooner than Wilson Prime reaches this point in his analysis does his trolley arrive at yet another deadly scenario. This one begins like the others, with a trolley about to reach a fork, at which it can travel left or right. On the right fork, tied to the tracks are Wes and Wigfrid, not saying much but evidently not looking forward to their possible demise. Wilson Gamma One stands at the lever controlling this fork. On the left side is a second fork, whose left side contains Maxwell, and whose right side contains Wickerbottom, Wolfgang, Woodie, and Willow. Maxwell laughs maniacally, for he grasps his blow dart, likely adequate to reach the second switch and toggle the trolley away from him, should he choose to.

  
  


"Why is Maxwell always so happy about this?" wonders Wilson Prime. Wilson Gamma One chooses his fork just before the trolley zooms by and Maxwell continues to laugh.

  
  


The situation of Wilson Gamma Two is the same as the situation of Wilson Gamma One, with the two forks and the seven candidate victims, of which one of the victims can reach a lever, with one exception. In this setup, Maxwell is replaced by Wendy, saying nothing, but looking at Wilson Gamma Two expectantly. This trolley even makes roughly the same crumpling sound as it passes.


	5. Chapter 5

The events of Wilson Gamma Two unsettled Wilson Prime the most. "If Maxwell can't be controlled, well then we should estimate what how he will act and take the necessary precautions. So Wilson can either leave the switch, killing two, or flip the switch, prompting Maxwell to flip his switch, killing four." Wilson thinks to himself. "But suppose Maxwell weren't so selfish. Does that mean Wilson should run him over? In effect, must we plan for Maxwell's selfish behavior and reward him for it?"

 

Wilson Prime and his trolley continue on their path until they come across another trolley embarked on a lethal journey. Its track is in the shape of a cul-de-sac. That is to say, it has a single track that forks to the left and the right, but the two forks are joined to each other such that the trolley would return from whence it came shortly after. A lone switch stands just off to the side of the track. If Wilson Delta One cannot reach the switch in time, then the trolley will take the rightmost fork, immediately driving over a well-fed yet still quite immobile Wolfgang.

 

Wilson Delta One runs as quickly as he can to the switch, and flips it just before the trolley arrives. He shares a short moment with Wolfgang, tugging at the bonds in futility before he is forced to either flee or to share the same fate.

 

"Someone must be pretty strong to be able to tie up a full-strength Wolfgang." Wilson Prime grows even slightly more concerned  than he already was.

 

The shortness of Wilson Delta One's track contrasts starkly with the length of that of Wilson Delta Two. Wilson Delta Two is the first other than Wilson Prime to be situated inside his trolley; however, like Wilson Prime, his trolley is unfortunately utterly lacking in functioning brakes yet still possessing quite an enthusiastic engine. Although his trolley has no controls, Wilson Delta Two does possess his trusty boomerang.

 

Wilson Delta Two's trolley arrives at a fork where both branches contain seemingly identical Wickerbottom's tied to them. Wilson Delta Two and his conveyance crush one of them as he feels remorseful, yet his journey is hardly finished. The two forks join again, and the situation repeats itself, yet this time, one Wickerbottom lies to the left, and nobody lies to the right. Wilson Delta Two activates the switch with his boomerang, narrowly missing trampling this latest Wickerbottom.

 

The forks join yet again and another challenge presents itself. This time two Wickerbottom's are tied to the right track, and one is tied to the left. Wilson again throws his boomerang in hopes of saving two Wickerbottom's in favor of one. Wilson very nearly misses.

 

Wilson Delta Two encounters fork-join after fork-join, next three Wickerbottom's to five, then six Wickerbottom's to zero, then one Wickerbottom to four, and he quickly loses count. In most cases he flips the switch successfully but in many he does not. By the time his trolley escapes from this madness, he must have singlehandedly murdered more than fifty Wickerbottom's. And if his reaction time were better, he probably could've cut the number down to fourty.

 

Wilson Prime curses softly. "That could've been me."

 

As Wilson, Wilson, and Wilson mourn their latest losses in various proportions, the sky begins to grow dim. "Hmm, now would be a great time for an afternoon snack. What I wouldn't do for a snack!" wishes Wilson Prime. 


	6. Chapter 6

On the next track, Wilson spies a peculiar and futile situation: there is a circular track with a forks and join, one branch containing a Willow tied to it and the other track clear. Wilson Epsilon One pulls the lever to direct the trolley away from Willow. As the trolley rolls around the loop, the lever resets to its original position, ending up in an identical situation as before and forcing Wilson Epsilon One to pull the lever again to save Willow. Wilson Epsilon One appears to be using this situation to describe the most recent experiment he had created to the bored Willow.

"Lucky fellow," thinks Wilson.

The next track has the same shape, with Wilson Epsilon Two himself affixed to one of the tracks and a bloody pulp on the other track. The trolley goes round and round on the track, smearing the blood everywhere while Wilson Epsilon Two looks firmly in the other direction.

The next track is the same shape but empty of trolleys, both sides of the track being smeared of blood. Wilson Prime speculates that Wilson Epsilon Three might have sneezed at the wrong moment and neglected to pull the lever.

"If I use my cane, I could probably pull up a severed arm," thought Wilson. "I don't know if I'm quite that hungry though."


	7. Chapter 7

Wilson Prime turns around to watch Wilson Epsilon One repeatedly saving his Willow from a certain tragic traffic accident. He tries to listen, too, but the distance is too far to hear above the engines of the trolleys. He can, however, see Wilson Epsilon One gesture with a feather pencil at a handful of signs. The craftsmanship of the work is impeccable, if he does say so himself. He can clearly make out a drawing of a Wilson next to a thermal measurer. The measurer proclaims maximum temperature, while the drawn Wilson has a square strapped to his head and a huge, cartoon smile.

 

"A square on your head?" Wilson Prime wonders aloud.

 

Willow, with her back to Wilson Epsilon One, appears to see just as much value in the proposal as Wilson Prime.

 

After a short while, another character approaches Wilson and Willow; it is Wilson Epsilon Four. After a short discussion, the newcomer begins to jump up and down and wave his arms briefly. Both Wilson's reach into their pockets in synchrony, one pulling out an ice cube, the other pulling out a rope.

 

Suddenly Willow waves her arms.

 

"This is exciting indeed! Just imagine, keeping your cool effortlessly. It'll be a revolution!" thinks Wilson Prime, in agreement. Wilson and Wilson have huge smiles on their faces, and Willow even opens her mouth to speak. Wilson Prime still can't hear, but he's sure she must have finally recognized the genius of the ice cube hat. "If only I weren't stuck on this trolley for the rest of my life" continues Wilson Prime.

 

Wilson and Wilson don't seem to hear Willow. They're too busy admiring their ice cubes. Willow opens her mouth louder, and Wilson Epsilon One turns slightly. He reaches out with his leg to pull the lever that he had been neglecting for a moment, and the trolley shoots past the fork again, immediately after.

 

Wilson and Wilson admire their ice cube hats while Willow points vehemently at Wilson Epsilon Four. He reluctantly shuffles over to Willow and fishes around in his pockets. Eventually he pulls out an axe and takes some swings at Willow. She seems to be enjoying the ice cubes even less than whatever Wilson's previous invention was.

 

Eventually, Wilson Prime's trolley travels too far and he can make out only occasional details of the skit that he just watched. It does leave him with some questions, though. For example, "Is Willow going to start talking more when she's untied? Is she going to distract Wilson from talking to Wilson? If so, shouldn't one of the Wilson's prefer to leave her there? How many times did Wilson save her life? Would Wilson have saved her life more times if they had waited longer before untying her? Isn't saving Willow's life a valuable activity worth repeating? Who tied up Willow? Should they be scolded or thanked? What other bright ideas did those Wilson's have? Where will the trolley go now that they've stopped pulling the lever? Do you think they have any extra food?"

 

But above all, the most central burning question in Wilson Prime's mind is "How could Willow think that the ice cube hat was anything other than cool?"


	8. Chapter 8

Wilson Prime rushes past to see yet another trolley and track. This track is straight, with no fork at all. It would presumably have crushed whoever was tied to the track if it hadn’t already been stopped by Maxwell’s body. Wilson Zeta One and Willow Zeta One are sitting on the tracks and eating finger sandwiches.

 

“I can see the source of the meat,” thought Wilson, “But what of the bread?”

 

At the next nexus of excitement is Wilson Zeta Two, who is standing in the middle of a complicated grid of tracks with rushing trolleys and many tied-up survivors. Wilson Zeta Two is toggling levers as fast as he can and just managing to keep everyone alive.

 

A large structure in the shape of a cube approaches from the distance. It is a three dimensional array of tracks, with trolleys rushing up and down the sides and threading inside the structure. Inexplicably to Wilson Prime, the trolleys even run upside down. In the center is a control box from which Wilson Zeta Three is frantically pulling levers with his hands, feet, and mouth to direct the trolleys away from his friends. However, amidst the rapid binary decisions to keep his friends alive, Wilson Zeta Three neglected to keep track of his own position. There is a sickening crunch as six trolleys crash simultaneously into him.

 

“Wow, I'm sure glad I'm not that Wilson. Otherwise, I would have ended up as a boolean cube.”

 

The fourth set of tracks appears to be three dimensional as well, but trolleys continuously appear and disappear, as well as the people tied to the tracks. Wilson Zeta Four appears to be embedded in the middle of the structure, but his hands move in strange ways, disappearing in the middle of lever pulls only to reappear elsewhere. This Wilson is too occupied by his task to pay any mind to Wilson Prime rushing by.

 

“That Wilson has transcended my reality, but he doesn't appear to be wiser or happier for it,” ponders Wilson Prime. “I hope he has the fourth-sight to get out of this mess.”


	9. Chapter 9

Wilson Prime thinks back on the Zeta Wilsons, in particular Wilson Zeta Three. He'd never seen a trolley crash before. It was really messy. "What would constitute a clean crash?" wonders Wilson Prime. "Hmm, I'm not sure."

 

As soon as Wilson Zeta Four vanishes from view, a new sight appears before Wilson Prime's eyes. This spectacle begins with a fork, with each of the two resulting branches in turn having a fork of their own. The three forks are controlled by three separate switches.

 

This time, the lone trolley has a bright logo painted on its side, unambiguously identifying itself as The Wickerbottom Express. It slides cheerfully along overtop of its track, of which every board contains the stamp of the Wolfgang Rail Company.

 

Of the four total branches created by the three forks, each branch has one potential victim bound to it. In the first branch lies none other than Wickerbottom, who designed the majority of the trolley and for which it was named. In the second branch lies Wolfgang himself, who single-handedly assembled vast swaths of track with nought but a hammer. The third branch contains everyone's favorite scientist, Wilson Eta One, who happens to be in arm's reach of every single one of the three levers of doom, which, by the way, bear his incredible face on the handles. In the fourth branch lies - who is that again? Oh - the fourth branch contains Wes! He doesn't talk much. He saves all his extra hot air for his balloons.

 

The trolley gets nearer and nearer as Wilson looks at his comrades and presses the levers. The trolley passes first switch. Wickerbottom and Wolfgang are safe. The trolley passes the second switch. The fates are sealed. The trolley tramples another victim. Someone's hopes for a happy birthday celebration fly away with Wes's passing.

 

The subsequent setup nearly matches the first, but with one additional Wes in the same track. The outcome is the same except for being twice as messy.

 

The third setup contains only slightly more dissimilarities to the first than did the second. Firstly, Wes can reach the controls, and Wilson cannot. Secondly, none of the levers bear Wilson's face any longer; that honor now belongs to the wheels of The Wickerbottom Express. Thirdly, Wilson Eta Three is quickly explaining, "Hey, I think I figured out what went wrong, I think the berries we used for brakes might not be sticky enough, I think we've gotta cook 'em longer, I think...". Wilson Prime looks away when he gets the feeling that his counterpart is about to turn into jelly himself.


	10. Chapter 10

The next chapter of Wilson’s terrifying journey into the world of ethics features the most archetypical trolley problem, this time controlled by Maxwell Eta One. Maxwell smirks but moves not a finger as the trolley runs over five Wilsons, the remaining Wilson on the other track yelling angrily at the Maxwell.

 

“Maxwell: evil, lazy or both?” thinks Wilson.

 

The next moral problem is even easier. The trolley is by default pointed at an empty track, with one Wilson tied to the other track. Maxwell Eta Two grins evilly and pulls the lever. The Wilson screams for one brief moment before he is crushed. 

 

“Why that!” seeths Wilson. “I’ve a mind to give him a drubbing with my cane.”

 

The next moral problem proves simpler still. This time, five Wilsons are tied to each fork of the track, with Maxwell Eta Three given the decision of which side to crush. The Maxwell considers the situation, then laughs maniacally. He pulls the lever, sending the trolley to the right. Before the trolley passes the switch, Maxwell Eta Three jerks the lever in the opposite direction, forcing the trolley rear wheel across the left track. Wilson Prime watches in horror as the trolley approaches both stacks of Wilsons. The trolley wheels screech unbearably, sparks streaming onto the grass. But friction defeats momentum and the trolley slows to a halt just before it reaches the Wilsons. The ten hostage Wilsons give a great cheer as Maxwell Eta Three curses and shakes his fist.

 

“I’m not sure if that’s a parable on greediness, or an injunction for consequentialism,” thinks Wilson Prime. “I don’t think my reaction time would be fast enough to do that on purpose.”


	11. Chapter 11

Wilson Prime looks in his trolley for possible preventative measures to the massacre of the Wilson's. He ponders aloud, "Wooden floor - can't do anything with that, besides, it comes in handy to stand on it. Ceiling - maybe Wolfgang could make a discus out of this ceiling, but not me. Walking stick - that's somewhat promising, but I can't throw it nearly far enough to reach anyone. I'd be so much more help if I could safely get off this stinking trolley".

 

However, to the contrary to all of Wilson's wishes, the slaughter continues.

 

His trolley again gains a view of a trolley track with a fork in it. The left branch contains a Maxwell tied to it, and the right branch a Wilson, also tied. The two branches rejoin shortly afterward in a second fork rotated 180 degrees from the previous. Each fork has the standard single switch, and each captive possesses sole control over one of the two switches.

 

The oddity in this situation is that two trolleys drive towards Wilson and Maxwell from opposite directions, timed such that the two will pass their corresponding switch at once. Nobody occupies the trolleys.

 

Wilson Iota One says to Maxwell Iota One, "Oh Maxwell, you were just telling me how much you prefer to not be in charge of the world. Well, here's a way you can discourage anyone from trying to make you run the world again - you can be squished by a trolley!"

 

Maxwell Iota One replies, "Oh, I think I've been pretty successful in that regard lately. Now I should reap my reward for my efforts! There will always be more Wilson's, the one under the trolley shall be you!"

 

Wilson Iota One opens his mouth to speak as the two of them are trampled by each other's' trolleys.

 

Wilson Iota Two and Wilson Iota Three are in slightly similar predicaments, except that they are each other's opposite in an otherwise identical situation. Wilson Iota Three says to Wilson Iota Two, "it's been nice knowing you" as he is slammed by two trolleys in unison.

 

Wilson Iota Four and Wilson Iota Five are in a similar situation, except that they lie on the same side of the fork, with three Maxwell's across from them. The Maxwell's are jabbering incessantly as the Wilson's try to talk to each other.

 

"Have you ever met a Maxwell that you liked?" asks Wilson Iota Four.

"Well I might start liking these Maxwell's but only if we live to tell the tale" replies Wilson Iota Five.

 

“Crumple crumple bam!” go the Maxwell’s.


	12. Chapter 12

Wilson Prime continues on to another scene of horrific implications. Tied to one fork is Willow, svelte as usual. On the other fork is a Willow with the bulging stomach of pregnancy. Wilson Kappa One is faced with a difficult decision.

 

“We let criminal females escape the gallows if they’re pregnant,” thinks Wilson Prime. “Why not in this case?”

 

At the next fork, a distraught Wilson Kappa Two must choose between two Willows, one of whom is pregnant, the other clutching a crying baby.

 

“Gee, I sure hope they invested in earplugs,” thinks Wilson as he rattles along.

 

The third fork has two Willows, both of whom are pregnant.

 

“The baby’s yours, I’m sure of it,” says one Willow to Wilson Kappa Three.

 

“Well, I might have slept with Maxwell on the side,” says the other Willow. 

 

“How could you do this to me!” cries Wilson Kappa Three.

 

“He has quick hands and a lot of tricks up his sleeve,” replies Willow. “Besides, you’re one to talk with your two identical girlfriends.” Wilson Prime rushes past the scene before the trolley hits.

 

“Why would Willow lie with Maxwell?” thinks Wilson Prime.

Wilson feels hot under the collar. To calm himself, he looks to the next trolley problem.


	13. Chapter 13

Wilson Lambda One stands at a trolley lever. If he flips the lever, then the empty trolley will turn left, crushing Willow, Wes, and Wigfrid, before it collides into a sheer rock face. If Wilson Lambda does not flip the lever, then the trolley will turn right, driving over Woodie. The track situation beyond Woodie is unclear to Wilson Lambda One due to his separation from it by some distance and a hill.

 

Wilson Lambda One leaves the trolley destined to the right and Woodie is squished.

 

Wilson Lambda Two reaches for a trolley lever. If he toggles the lever, then Wilson Lambda One's trolley will turn left, crushing Wigfrid, Wes, and Willow, before it smashes into a rock face. If Wilson Lambda Two takes no action, then the trolley will turn right, driving over Woodie. Wilson Lambda Two cannot determine where the track may go beyond Woodie.

 

Wilson Lambda Two leaves his lever unpulled as Woodie is run over.

 

Wilson Lambda Three, observes the same situation as Wilson Lambda Two, as do Four, Five, Six, Seven...

 

But not Wilson Lambda Zero, not exactly. Wilson Lambda Zero is placed in essentially the same situation, except that the right branch of the track has a long meander in it. Long enough that if Wilson Lambda Zero can race for a little bit and see where the trolley will arrive slightly before it does so. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough time to see what lies ahead on the right track before Woodie is trampled, but he has enough time to see the next situation on the right track before the trolley gets there. It's a good thing, too, because after Wilson Lambda Zero has squished his first Woodie and run to the next fork, he discovers the same situation as before: three victims and a rock face on the left, and one victim and the unknown on the right.

 

Wilson Lambda Zero again selects the right fork, permitting Woodie to be trampled, and races the trolley to the third fork, which is the same as the first two…

 

“How curious,” thinks Wilson Prime. “Now here's a situation in which a Maxwell and a Wilson would behave in the same way.”


	14. Chapter 14

The scenery outside Wilson Prime’s window has changed somewhat. A wall rises from the ground, obscuring what lies beyond to any walker. However, the trolley track is elevated such that Wilson Prime can see beyond the wall. 

 

During a relaxing stroll, Wilson Mu One has come across a lever sticking out of the ground. He puzzles over it, eventually deciding to pull it like a good scientist should. Unbeknownst to him, the lever controls an archetypical trolley problem on the other side of the wall. In a flash, five Willows have been annihilated.

 

Wilson Mu Two sees another lever next to a wall. Someone has helpfully written a description of the trolley problem on the wall, and not-so-helpfully omitted the direction that the lever should be pulled in to save the most amount of people. 

 

“Well, I’m afraid I don’t know what would help in this situation, but I can’t just do nothing,” says Wilson Mu Two. “I’ll flip a coin to decide whether to pull the lever.” He flips a coin and, seeing the conclusion, pulls the lever. Sadly, for the people on the other side of the wall, inaction was the best course.

 

Wilson Prime arrives at the third lever just in time to see Maxwell finish writing a helpful description of the trolley problem on the wall. Maxwell climbs the wall before Wilson Mu Three enters the scene. The text indicates that the lever should be pulled to save the greatest amount of people. Wilson Mu Three does so diligently. Unfortunately, the devilish Maxwell has lied, and the trolley crashes into five Willows. 

 

“Who would leave Maxwell in charge of writing the descriptions?” wonders Wilson.


	15. Chapter 15

Wilson Nu One stands at a switch controlling a fork. The two branches curve around opposing sides of a wooden wall, such that Wilson Nu Two cannot see the point at which they join, nor can he see the five Wilson's tied to the left fork. The right fork has nobody bound to it, but he cannot see that either.

 

Wilson Nu Two stands at a switch controlling a fork. The right branch leads to a gradual hill and a relatively soft sand pit. The left branch contains two Wilson's tied to it and terminates in a wooden wall, the same wall occluding the vision of Wilson Nu One.

 

Each track, of course, has a trolley driving along it, but the trolley of Wilson Nu Two is somewhat ahead of the trolley of Wilson Nu One.

 

Wilson Nu One holds his hand nervously over his lever, flipping it left and right and right and left, clearly unsure of the correct position.

  
  


Wilson Prime sees the situation but has only sufficient vocal strength to attract the attention of Wilcon Nu Two, not Wilson Nu One. Furthermore, there is not much time before the possible squishing of many more Wilsons. Should he sacrifice two Wilson's to inform Wilson Nu One of the proper fork to take? Or should he hope that Wilson Nu Two inadvertently identifies the correct decision independently?


	16. Chapter 16

Wilson Prime's trolley remains nearby just long enough for him to watch Wilson Nu One decline to squash his two victims, followed by Wilson Nu Two making the wrong decision, resulting in the squashing of no fewer than five Wilson's.

 

Wilson Prime's trolley continues until he can see Wilson Xi One stand at a trolley station in front of a sign with large, yellow letters reading:

 

THE MAXWELL EXPRESS

I take you wherever I want to go!

 

Wilson Xi One immediately elects for his curiosity to get the better of him, and he pays the peculiar fare (a handful of beard hair) and steps on the trolley.

 

Maxwell Xi One drives the trolley, narrating about the forests of uniform trees, the patches of mundane bushes, the outcroppings of monochrome rocks, and the bodies of plain water.

The trolley of Maxwell and Wilson passes several forks and several levers, and occasionally Maxwell shoots one with a blow dart to toggle the trolley's direction.

 

"But you know what isn't boring," exclaims Maxwell Xi One as Wilson Xi One looks out the window. "When I run out of blow darts. That should happen right, about... now!"

Wilson Xi One snaps his gaze forward to see the next fork in the track. On the left is a large, unmoving boulder in the middle of the track, not a hopeful sight for the trolley. On the right is a large, unmoving Wolfgang tied to the track, not a hopeful sight for the Wolfgang. Behind Wolfgang is Willow, in an equally bleak situation.

 

Wilson Xi One B stands at the lever that will distinguish between the demise of Maxwell and Wilson or of Wolfgang and Willow. Wilson Xi One B flips the lever back and forth, muttering to himself. When the trolley drives over the fork, it travels left, smashing Maxwell, Wilson, and their trolley, and very nearly jostling the boulder.

 

"I wonder if that's what Wilson Xi One B meant to do?" wondered Wilson Prime.

 

Before Wilson Prime could think much about the previous situation, a similar setup comes into view, but with twice as many Wilson's riding the next trolley. Wilson Xi Two A and Wilson Xi Two B get on the ominously labelled trolley, as Maxwell Xi Two flips some levers and complains about the futility of everything.

 

Maxwell Xi Two runs out of blow darts at the same location, with a boulder on the left and with Woodie and Wigfrid on the right. Wilson Xi Two C looks up from his lever, sees two victims on the ground and three on the train, and sends the trolley to the right, squashing Woodie and Wigfrid.

 

"I'll have to avoid The Maxwell Express if I see it", Wilson Prime thinks to himself.

  
  


Next, Wilson Prime's trolley arrives at another variant on the same problem. He observes Wilson Xi Three A and Wilson Xi Three B enter The Maxwell Express against his unheard recommendations. Wilson Xi Three C observes too, fiding himself on the top of a hill, with a boulder on one side and Wickerbottom and Wes on the other. Wilson Xi Three C watches Maxwell Xi Three shoot levers with his blow darts, watches Maxwell run out of blow darts right in front a final lever, and watches the two Wilson's on the trolley look forward in horror. Wilson Xi Three C flips the switch firmly to the left, sending Maxwell and the two Wilson's into an unforgiving boulder.


	17. Chapter 17

The trolley that Wilson Prime is riding teeters to a pause at the top of a large hill, giving him a perfect view of the next problem. Wilson Omicron One must choose to send a trolley between two tracks: one with a single version of all of Wilson’s friends tied to the tracks, the other with just Wilson Omicron Two tied to the tracks. To make the choice more difficult, the track behind Wilson Omicron Two has a series of meat effigies behind it, such that he would be revived every time he died only to find himself in the same situation. Wilson Omicron One pulls the lever, sending the trolley into his duplicate and ensuring a succession of very painful deaths for himself.

 

“What an awful way to go. And he’s right next to me too, so I have to watch him the whole time. Wait a minute…” 

 

As his trolley rolls down the hill, the quick-thinking Wilson Prime uses his cane to knock the first meat effigy off the track. Now, when Wilson Omicron Two dies, he is respawned on the meat effigy off the side of the track. Wilson Omicron Two, when he revives, marches back up to the top of the hill to give Wilson Omicron One a piece of his mind. Wilson Prime snags a second meat effigy onto the trolley.

 

“I’m sure he won’t be needing this anymore,” says Wilson Prime as he digs into the meat. “Mmm, beard hair.”


	18. Chapter 18

Wilson Pi One sits tied firmly to a straight, plain trolley track. On the plateau next to him is another meat effigy, capable of restoring life to an individual. One trolley drives along the tracks on the plateau, while another trolley glides towards Wilson.

Wigfrid is at the side of Wilson Pi One, pulling futilely at his bonds. "Wigfrid, help me" he says.

Wigfrid uses her signature move: wielding her spear, which strikes Wilson.

"Ow!" shouts Wilson.

Wigfrid hits Wilson again.

"Ow!"

A few more impacts and Wilson turns into a corpse on the tracks.

Wilson Pi One reappears up on the plateau in the middle of some trolley tracks, but no longer tied down. "Thanks Wigfrid, you're the best" he says as he steps out of the way of the incoming trolley.

 

"What a cruel world we live - and die - in" thinks Wilson Prime.

 

Wilson Pi Two sits on his own dedicated trolley track in front of a long line of meat effigies, all staring at him.

 

"Well this is dumb. I've seen this before, and if I'm not close enough to save him, then it's a massacre" complains Wilson Prime to himself.

The trolley drives over Wilson Pi Two, and he is squished. He immediately appears a few feet from where he sat a moment ago, and is immediately squished again and again and again.

Suddenly, with only 10 meat effigies remaining in the line, Wilson Pi Two respawns not in the front of the line but in the back. Only 9, 8, then 7 meat effigies separate him from another demise.

"I'm free!" shouts Wilson Pi Two, rolling off the track as the trolley drives by. "It's a good thing I didn't have enough money to purchase only the front row seats."

 

Wilson Pi Three sits alone on a trolley track, tied to it, in front of a long line of meat effigies. These have numbers written on their foreheads: 1, 70, 53, 81, 25, 60, 17, and so on.

The trolley arrives and Wilson Pi Three is squished.

The line of meat effigies is so long that Wilson Pi Three has several seconds before the trolley arrives. Neither Wilson nor his likenesses are tied to anything. He runs along the track, pushing several of them out of his way. Wilson Pi Three again meets his demise, this time head-on by the trolley. He appears to the side of the track, where he had just moments ago salvaged a fraction of his collection.

"You can control the order?" exclaims Wilson Prime. "That makes me want to die myself and find out! It's too bad I'm not getting any extra lives" Wilson Prime mopes.


	19. Chapter 19

As Wilson Prime wishes for more lives of his own, the dim ambient light quickly fades until he could see no more with his eyes open than with them shut.

 

"Hahhhhr! Tapple tapple tapple." Wilson recognizes the sounds of spiders nearby. "It's a good thing this trolley is so fast. The spiders can't get me, can they?" Wilson looks around in horror and sees not a single reassuring sight. He waves his walking stick. Ping! Twang! Thud! "Leave me alone! Don't make me come after you!"

 

"Wilson..." he hears his name in the distance. "Wilson...". Wilson looks around and notices a light in the distance. A very small light, but more than he had before. "Is that you, Wilson?" The light and the voice behind him drift closer.

"Maybe this light can help against these creepy spiders, too" Wilson thinks to himself, as he shouts "It's me!". He can barely hear himself over the wails of the spiders. He can't imagine that anyone else would hear him at all.

 

The voice gets louder as the light gets brighter, and soon Wilson discovers the trolley that they inhabit to be next to his own.

 

Wilson looks into the adjacent trolley and sees nobody, only a bright, warm glow.

 

"Willow? Where are you?"

"I'm here" says the voice.

"Where is that?" Wilson queries.

"Directly in front of you" it explains.

"Where is it going?" Wilson inquires.

"I'm not sure yet. It's a nice journey though."

"Is it your trolley?" he asks.

"I think it is. Do you like it?" inquires the voice.

"It's too empty." replies Wilson. "Where did you go?"

"I didn't go anywhere. Where are you going?" is the response.

"I'm, I'm, I'm," stutters Wilson.

 

Wilson opens his eyes, blinks for moment, stretches, and slowly rises. His back is feeling awfully unhappy. Wilson glances up and sees the sun coming up over the horizon. He gazes to his left and sees a raging river next to a dying forest fire. He looks down and sees indentations on the trolley and on his walking stick.

  
  


"Oh jeez", Wilson Prime says to himself. "Now I'm hungry again."


	20. Chapter 20

As if to answer his prayers, Wilson finds himself next to a vast field of meat effigies, stretching out to the horizon. Unfortunately, none of these meat effigies are close enough for him to hook with his cane. As he passes by, one of the meat effigies stirs, limbs breaking from its cooked exterior. Maxwell pops out of the effigy, perfectly healthy albeit a bit greasy. 

 

“There he is, after him!” Maxwell jerks his head to the source of the noise: an angry mob of Wilsons, Willows, and other survivors brandishing spears and torches. Maxwell beats a hasty retreat as the mob chases him, but is soon caught by a fully-fed Wolfgang. The crowd beats him to death while Wilson Prime watches. 

 

“Poor fellow, although I can’t say he didn’t deserve it.”

 

Maxwell’s death is short-lived, as he once-again revives from a nearby meat effigy. The crowd tears him to pieces.

 

“Now this is just gratuitous,” says Wilson Prime. The cycle of mob violence proceeds for a while, until a Willow decides to set the meat effigies on fire. Maxwell revives one last time, screeching as he is instantly set aflame. The smell of burning meat chokes the air. Wilson Prime’s stomach growls.

 

“Meat, meat, everywhere and not a bite to eat,” he gripes.


	21. Chapter 21

Wilson Prime's trolley continues along and he spies some peculiarly nonfatal trolley predicaments.

 

Willow Rho One lies next to a trolley track, just beyond a fork in a trolley track. She would be completely unscathed by a trolley passing immediately to her right, unless she were for some reason to extend a limb over the tracks. As for the the left track, she would be mostly unscathed, save for her right arm, unfortunately tied in the trolley's path.

Wilson Rho One stands at the switch and flips it to the rightmost position, facilitating the harmless passage of the trolley past the captive Willow.

 

Further along is another fork, with one victim lying on each branch. Willow Rho Two A only has one hand, tied to the left track, the other hand detached long ago by an indeterminate accident and replaced with a stump. The rest of her body is free and only her remaining hand lies in the way of the path. Willow Rho Three B has two healthy hands, one tied to the right track, the rest of her body free.

Wilson Rho Two stands at the switch as the trolley approaches and must determine whose hand will inevitably be severed.

  
  


Willow Rho Three A and B lie at the branches of another fork. Willow Rho Three A is missing one arm and one leg, and her leg is tied to the left track, again with the rest of her body free. Willow Rho Three B posesses all her limbs for now, but her left arm and left leg are tied to the trolley tracks of the other branch.

Wilson Rho Five must choose whether to squish the leg of the first or whether to squish both an arm and a leg of the other.


	22. Chapter 22

Wilson Prime's trolley continues and he discovers that he has only seen the beginning.

His next view contains a large field just beyond a hill.

The Maxwells are organized into small conversational groups. In each group, one Maxwell holds a toy trolley and gestures at the rest of the group and at some forks and switches. Behind the party of Maxwells is an even larger field of meat effigies.

Wilson Prime calls out to the mob from the previous field. "The Maxwells are that way!"

Nobody hears him.

Wilson picks up his walking stick and with the mightiest scientific heave he can muster, throws it onto the hill separating the angry mob from the field of Maxwell's.

A Willow on the edge of the crowd looks up and notices a walking stick on the side of the hill. "Ooh. My very own walking stick! I'd better go get it before someone else snatches it first" she reasons to herself.

Wilson Prime watches Willow hastefully approach the walking stick, picks it up with a huge grin, look up at the field of Maxwell's, and immediately lose the smile. "Hey! I think I found the other Maxwell's!"

The crowd hollers a hundred indiscernible calls and storms the hill.

The Maxwell's notice the angry survivors swarming towards them. Every Maxwell stops conversing and instead hastily begins to assemble some tooth traps, some armor, and more meat effigies.

By the time the first Wickerbottom reaches the top of the hill, the front of Wolfgangs and Wigfrids has almost engaged. Wickerbottom calls out "Maxwells, this is silly. Just surrender the meat effigies and be gone, and most of you will escape to safety."

None of the Maxwells and none of the crowd pay Wickerbottom's dilemma any heed. The Maxwells lay their final tooth trap as the first Wolfgang engages.

The gigantic battle unfolding in front of Wilson Prime contains every device ever created. Numerous Wigfrids each hold a battle spear and a log suit, at least two Wolfgangs wear a marble suit and a standard spear, a Wickerbottom clutches a sleep dart, a Willow grasps a hand full of fire darts, a Wilson is equipped with four bee mines, a Wes in the back lines has pockets full of healing salves and no weapon at all, plus more than Wilson Prime can count, across from more Maxwells and shadow puppets then he had ever seen in one place at once.

A Wolfgang charges across the tooth traps toward Maxwell, catching his toe on each along the way.

A Wigfrid cheers from right behind and throws a battle spear, skewering a shadow puppet.

Several Maxwells gesture with their hands as some black powder goes up in smoke in front of them with a bang. At least ten Wolfgangs keel over but they make up but a small fraction of the crowd.

A lone Wilson unleashes a swarm of bees on the opposition, and prances around with glee as they poke everyone lacking a bee mask - in other words, everyone but him.

A Woodie throws a boomerang and smacks a Maxwell upside the head. The boomerang returns to him and he prepares to throw it again.

One of the Wendy's holds an ice staff, immobilizing every Maxwell in reach. "Drat" she says as her ice staff consumes itself. "I knew I should've brought a second one."

Wickerbottom sighs again and pulls out her weapon. She raises it to her mouth and blows carefully. The magic of her pan flute immediately puts the entire battlefield to sleep, leaving only Wickerbottom standing.

Wickerbottom surveys the battlefield. "It's a good thing I managed to interrupt before anyone set anything on fire. That would be more than I could handle myself." Wickerbottom says to nobody in particular. She sees a rather ragged front between the two sides, with explosions, cuts, and bruises strewn throughout. Wickerbottom walks up to a Wolfgang and slowly drags him away from the group of Maxwells. Then she pushes a tooth trap back toward the Maxwells. One by one, Wickerbottom separates the battlefield into two separate, but sleeping, armies. Next she carries each meat effigy, one at a time, from the side of the Maxwells to the side of the mob. With the meat effigies captured and the armies separated, Wickerbottom ceases her rearrangement and builds a stone wall between the two sides, five armspans thick, leaving one armspan of extra space on each side. The extra space she fills with wooden signs.

 

Each sign on the Maxwell side says "You're outnumbered. You're jerks. Go home while you can, and be thankful I made you this wall."

Each sign on the mob side says "The Maxwells are still bound to the meat effigies. If you kill them then you will first consume the meat effigies. If you let them escape then you can bind yourselves to these meat effigies too, gaining a second life yourselves."

 

Wickerbottom wanders off, leaving the two opposing armies to make their decisions.

With Wickerbottom no longer enforcing a magical sleep upon the battlefield, the remainder of its inhabitants wake up all at once. Woodie throws his boomerang but the closest Maxwell is too far away.

"Hey, what's this sign?" A Wilson asks. There is some murmuring as both sides read their signs.

"I don't think we can trust these Maxwells" shouts a voice from the crowd. "Yeah, one life is plenty for me. That's the one I want to keep!"

Across the wall, the Maxwells evaluate their opportunity to flee. "You think those guys could possibly fail to catch us?" "Nope. Besides, we wouldn't want all this gunpowder to go to waste."

 

The mob splits in two and swarms around the sides of the new wall, attacking the Maxwell camp from both sides. Spears poke, darts pierce, armor blocks, fire burns, and powder explodes. After a short few minutes, all that remains alive is a single Wilson, a couple bees, and the retreating Wickerbottom.

 

Wilson calls out to Wickerbottom, saying "We won! We're safe! Maxwell won't harm us anymore!"

Wickerbottom looks around and calls back. "Maxwell won't harm who?"

"Us! You and me!" replies Wilson.

"Why not?" queries Wickerbottom.

"Because we killed them, of course!" Wilson is exasperated.

"Who killed them?" continues Wickerbottom.

"All these people on the ground. Don't you remember?" Wilson is so confused.

"Oh believe me, I remember." Wickerbottom assures him. She continues to plod along while Wilson looks for something to eat. Wilson Prime hopes he can somehow manage to get some food too.


	23. Chapter 23

After the final battle, there is quiet. A long stretch of unbroken field lays beyond, where other survivors of the various trolley problems (who had taken longer to free themselves) mingle. Several freed Willows have set up a barbeque of meat effigies. A Wickerbottom is consoling a grieving Wilson. Wilson Prime waves at the crowd and they wave back.

 

“What a lovely day for a picnic,” says Wilson Prime.

 

“It is, isn’t it?” says a female voice behind him. Wilson turns around to see a tall, smiling woman with a red rose in her hair.

 

“Who are you?” he asks.

 

“I’m Charlie, the queen of the chessboard. It was I who orchestrated these trolley problems.”

 

“You!” Wilson jabbed his finger at her. “You’re the one responsible for killing all these people!” 

 

“Is that a bad thing?” she asked.

 

“Of course it is!” Wilson couldn’t believe that was a question someone could even ask.

 

“I thought so,” replied Charlie. “The Nightmare Throne gives you immense power, but it takes away, too. I set up this laboratory so I could learn how human morality works. This shall prove invaluable to my reign.”

 

“You mean all this pain and suffering was just for an experiment?”

 

“You’re the scientist. If you had the power, wouldn’t you do the same?”

 

“Not like this! I had to watch my friends die, over and over again, and you—” Wilson could barely speak and Charlie was chuckling like he was a particularly amusing pet. “You-you’re heartless!” He charged Charlie, but she vanished into smoke before he made contact. She reformed behind him, still smiling.

 

“That I am, otherwise I wouldn’t need to do this. Oh, it looks like your journey’s at an end.” The trolley tracks ended at a large boulder, which was surely enough to crash his trolley. Wilson looked around for some switches, but there were none.

 

“Help, Charlie! Get me off this trolley!” Wilson begged.

 

“But that would ruin the experiment.”

 

“Please! Have you not learned mercy?” Wilson fell to his knees, hands clasped in prayer.

 

“Here’s what I can do,” said Charlie. “You have but to say the word and I will rewind time and set you and your friends all back safely in your campsites. But in doing that, I will forget the results of the trolley problems. Or, you could ride to your doom and allow me to keep the results of the experiment.” 

 

The boulder loomed larger and larger. Wilson opened his mouth.

 

THE END


End file.
